1. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I feel like I’ve lost touch of the person I used to be. I used to talk to my friends constantly. See how things are going for them/talk to them daily. I don’t even feel like I have friends anymore. I’m so wrapped up in one person that I’ve forgotten how many great people have been there for me before. I’ve started to ignore others because I’m so preoccupied with him. It’s scary to be so committed because literally one let down or oblivious action from that one person hurts like hell. I used to be so happy on my own. I was surrounded by great friends and family and that’s all I really felt I needed to be happy. Now I need him to be happy. And that’s fucking terrifying.

  2. It’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon and im laying in my bed having just woken up from a nap. The sun is shining into my bedroom window and I hear little kids playing in their yards probably just having gotten home from school on an unseasonably warm day of winter.

    I’m going back to Carolina in two days to start my spring semester of classes. I’m excited and nervous. Excited to see some friends I’ve made back at school and to start classes but also nervous that this semester will be tougher than last and that maybe Chris and I will have a harder time keeping touch like we did last semester. I don’t know why I worry.

    Lately I worry about my friends (mean girls) too. Worry that I probably could have spent more time with them over break rather than constantly trying to hang out with chris. They have been around longer than him. I should have taken more advantage of the time we had when we were all home. I’m excited to all be back in may though. Celebrate Saoirse and my birthdays.

    I hope that once I go back things between my parents stay okay. I think the past two weeks they’ve been trying not too fight too much in order to make my time home happier since I was pretty upset two weeks ago. Things between them are better I just hope they stay that way.

    I also hope my brother finds some happiness in his life. Im so grateful that for years I’ve been surrounded by great friends and now even a great boyfriend. I wish my brother would be more optimistic and that good things will come his way soon because he definitely deserves that.

    I miss when I used to call my house “home” but now I find myself constantly calling my dorm back at school home. Not that it really feels like home but because I do live there most of the year. But even now as I look at my half-packed pieces of luggage in my bedroom I realize that school will never be home. It’s only temporary. Because “home” is where you feel most comfortable, where you can kick up your feet and not worry about a thing (or at least worry less lol). And that place will always be this bed that I’m currently still laying in at now 430 in the afternoon.

  3. im so tired of people. jill blocked me on facebook today. okay. obviously you telling me that “its completely fine” that me and chris are a thing two weeks ago was a lie. otherwise you wouldnt be so bitter right now. just makes me feel like a terrible friend. makes me feel like i dissapointed her. makes me feel like i dont know how to be honest or be a good person. its going to be massively awkward when i see her on campus now. do i say hello and pretend its all okay? do i give her the silent treatment (which im sure she’ll give me)? oh well.

    why are my friends back home so awesome? but really. i love nj. i just want it to be christmas break or something so i have an extended amount of time to be home and i can hang out with everyone.

    lisa was out last night with that dipshit stephen. i told her to have funnnn ;) but i was totally joking because i dont like him. she texted me around 12 and said she’d be back late cause they decided to watch a movie. a little over an hr later she tweeted all this super depressing stuff about regrets, lonlieness and having no one to talk to. so I immediately texted her and said “Im still up. whats wrong?” no answer. “lisaaaa answer me” after 10 mins. and i got worried so i called her but she avoided the call and immediately texted me “im fine” and i was like “okay but can you tell me where you are? as long as i know youre somewhere safe ill leave you alone.” no answer. i sat in bed waiting up for her until she finally came back after 2. she crawled into bed immediately and i tried to talk to her but she just said “im fine” so i just turned out the lights and went to bed too. i couldnt fall asleep and later i heard her crying. in the morning she left a sticky note on the mirrow that said “sorry about last nightl. im fine. have a nice day of classes. -roomie <3” and then when i went to lunch with her and kelly today she was acting normal. i wish she would just tell me whats wrong. i hope stephen didnt do something to her. i wish she would let me help. i hate when people wont let me help. it bothers me alot. oh well.

  4. I miss Chris. Its cool that now that I can’t see or hang out with him anymore that I realize how much I appreciate him. I dont know. Things have just changed. Like over the summer, I liked him but I didn’t love him. I was always worried that he only wanted to see me to get some and that all that other stuff was just a show. And I assumed that he would just drop me at the end of summer. I probably felt like this cause I have a really hard time trusting guys. I assume almost every guy’s a jerk. But anyway, were closer now than we were before. He’s opened up to me so much more (which is really hard for him) and I can tell he’s happy. And I’m happy. Like really happy. It’s nice to have someone to tell everything to and say dumb things to and not get judged. It’s so much nicer now cause he used to be the one that was all happy and I was just confused but now were both happy. And I think I love him. But i cant tell him that. I want to everyday. When were texting or videochatting. But I dont want to tell him when were 16 hrs apart. I want to tell him when he’s right here with me. So I’m going to wait. I think he really wants to tell me too but we both realize its not the right time. He always talks to me about things he wants to do later with me. Like seeing me for breaks and next summer getting a beach house with all our friends. So its reassuring he thinks of us that far into the future. It’s going to be really hard. But he says its worth it. and Im starting to realize it is too. And I’m just so grateful I have him in my life.

  5. Just so you all know, the friends I have are not really quality. I mean I really only have three but let me explain them to you.

    Leigh Ann: Well she’s actually not bad. She’s actually the one I trust the most and have never mean really pissed off at. I get annoyed when were meeting up and she shows up late but I get over it five seconds later. Other than that, she’s great. Actually a really genuine person. Me and her kind of bond over the fact that Lisa and Kelly leave us out of things. Cause yaa they do but whatever. But me and her get along well and I enjoy when I get to eat a meal with her or go to the gym with just her because it’s chill and relaxing. The only downside to her which really isn’t even one is that she’s totallllly against drinking. Like she will not do it. She won’t even step foot in a party. But it’s okay cause I hestitantly told her a couple weeks ago that I go to parties and she didn’t care. So that’s good. Didn’t want like my only genuine friend to drop me for a silly reason like that. But she’s cool. She has a really good relationship with her parents and she’s still with her boyfriend from high school and they are cute. I think she worries about losing him since they’re both in college but we don’t discuss that, maybe one day.

    Kelly: Okay so the first time I met Kelly was also the first time I met Leigh Ann cause Lisa was out to lunch with them after some sorority stuff cause they were in the same rush group and I joined them. And i was like okay this girl is drop-dead gorgeous, why is she hanging out with us? Cause normally the real pretty girls dont associate with normal girls too much. But anyway I was like okay this is weird. Then I got to know her and I realized yeah shes really pretty and such but she doesnt have all those same qualities as most really pretty girls. She’s never drank before. But of anyone I see her drinking first just as a way to fit in. She doesn’t have a boyfriend or anything so she flirts with a lot of guys on campus and it just confuses me. Shes like my bizzare friends in high school but stuck in like freshman year of hs. Cause she’s really inexperienced but you can tell she wants to fit in with the cool crowd but shes scared shitless. Like the other day her older buddy in her sorority randomly brought her to a party. She started texting Lisa and was bugggging the hell out. She was like having a nervous breakdown saying she didnt feel comfortable there and wanted to have someone take her home. And in my head I was like chill girl its just a party if you dont want to get involved just sit there and relax and tell your buddy that you want to go back. She was texting Lisa that she looked like shit and felt out of place. I doubt she looked like shit cause she never does. Anyway, Kelly’s an interesting one. Like she’s actually a really honest person but she likes to tease on me a lot and although it seems like a joke I know she does it cause she thinks she’s better than me. Lisa doest the same thing but I’ll get more into that later. But thankfully, although their teasing and talking down to me at times bother me in the moment, I’m like actually my life is a whole lot better than yours and I actually feel comfortable with the person I am so ya make fun of me all you want.

    Lisa: Sadly, the one that pissed me off the most, is the one I live with. Okay so me and Lisa have some really fun times together like we laugh and joke around and act like fools. And I feel comfortable saying and doing a lot of things around her. But she has this freaking switch where one minute shes like really cool and nice and we get along and the next shes talking down to me and pretending shes hot shit. Then I get pissed. I’m like why do you always feel the need to prove yourself to me? She lies like CRAZYYY. No joke. She lies to me all the time. I can just tell. Cause I call her out on it. Not like “oh youre lying” but more like I ask her more questions about the thing she’s lying about and she cant answer them and she changes the subject so I know she’s lying. She lies about the dumbest things in the world too. She lies to me about how much homework she’s accomplished. Like what the hell. She does it cause it takes me forever to do my homework and she knows that. So ill be doing math or something and it will take me like an hour. And once im done she’ll be like “wow thats pathetic all you did was math in that time, I wrote two essays and read” and I’m like “Awesome! Do you want a medal?” No i seriously say that sometimes. Not as often as I should. Cause then she gets really offended and shes like “Bitchh” in a joking, smiling way and Im like hahahahaha im not smiling. At least, I give her bitchyness right back to her. Anyway, shes the kind of person who you can tell isnt totally comfortable with herself. She obsesses over what food she eats. She tells me she weighs 100 lbs. but i have a feeling its a slightly over that and shes like wahhh im eating so much lately. Meanwhile, I eat like all da time. and shes like Wowwwww you eat a lot and like laughs as if shes better than me cause she doesnt eat as much. And im like “hahahaha yeah i do. i love eating” and in my head Im like cause i feel comfortable with eating alot and im not obsessed with what i eat. She’s also the type of girl that is allllllways feeding for compliments from others. and thats why she talks to multiple guys at once cause it makes her feel special. She’s been hanging out with this new guy, Stephen, and i can tell he’s a player, hes partier and what not. She realizes it too but shes like aweee he can be such a gentleman sometimes. and Im like yeahhh or it could be an act? to get in your pants? Lol. but she’ll come back from hanging out with him and be in this girly, nervous, omg mood and im like please shut up. Shes like super happy, giggly and think shes hot shit for hanging out with a guy and then shes like omg im such a bad person. if Jonathan knew he would be so upset. I cant believe im doing this. Sorry I cant deal with people who are bi-polar. HAHAHAHA. okay pause for a minute. Guess what?! So im writing furiously over her and Lisa is writing a paper on her bed. She stopped to ask me her opinion on how to write something so I gave her my best effort. Then she’s like what are you doing down there anyway? and Im like oh im on tumblr. and she starts laughing and says Oh i thought you were actually being productive. and Im like “yeah i am though cause this is me being productive in my own way”. Yeah me writing on tumblr helps me vent about you and how annoyed you make me at times. Plus I barely have homework this weekend. But thanks mom! pretty sure I know how to get my work done without you constantly reminding me. Okay. Im done. She’s really not that bad but when she gets into that superior mood of hers I literally want to laugh in here face and just be like i dont give a fuck, bitch. Im happy with myself. youre obviously not and thats why you feel the need to talk down to me. But i dont. I get pretty close though sometimes. She realizes though. Shes calmed down a bit.

    Oh so basicially if its the four of us. It’s Kelly&Lisa and Me&Leigh Ann. Which is fineee with me cause i like Leigh Ann the best. But if I hang out with Kelly and Lisa alone I want to hurt someone cause they think they are hot shit. But if it’s me, Lisa and Leigh Ann we actually have a good time and me and Leigh Ann dont gang up on Lisa or talk down to her like her and Kelly do to me and Leigh Ann.

    So there you have it. I have friends but I would by no means call them quality. I’ve met some other girls though in my sorority and in my classes that I like so far and I hope I get to know them better and can get a chance to hang out with them and breakaway from Lisa and Kelly a little bit.

  6. I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss chris.

  7. I hate that people always feel the need to prove themselves. I can’t even begin to count the amount of liars I’ve encountered. I mean who am I to judge. But seriously it’s pretty obvious when people are expanding the truth or are just creating bold face lies in order to look cool in front of others. I am proud to say that I haven’t lied about anything to anyone. I’m just getting so sick of people who aren’t being honest. Be yourself god dammit because your lies are just gonna bite you in the ass.

    Oh! Sidenote: why the eff is it such a problem if I curse? Seriously all my friends down here get really offended when I curse. One of them even told me not to cause it’s “unladylike”. Hokay sorry. And tonight at dinner with Leigha nns parents I was having a side convo with Lisa and I said something about being scared shitless and Leigh anns dad like stares me down for saying shit. Ok don’t know why I’m complaining about this, not the point here.

    Anyway, I want to find some real, fun people. Like my friends back home. ones that like to party and have fun but also are down to earth. My core friends here all are totally against drinking. And I like spending time with them but other times i just want other friends. It’s not cause they don’t drink, it’s that each of their personalities annoys be at times. But then when I go out with other people who party they are like 10x more annoying. My bid day buddy, Kristen and her best friend, Mary, are realllly nice. Like they love to party but they aren’t sluts at all and they aren’t obnoxious like most girls when they drink. Also they take school really seriously and I can just tell that they are honest people. But they are sophmores and I don’t know if they really want a freshman hanging out with them all the time. But them and theyre other kappa, sophmore, honors college friends are legitamitely the only people that don’t annoy me here. I just feel like freshman are retarded. Everyones just trying to act sooo much cooler than they are. Older people are better cause they aren’t dumb and know better than to pretend to be someone they’re not.

    Well there’s my rant.

    Also I finally have started to experience homesickness. My dads favorite old song came on today in a store when Lisa and I were shopping and I really wished I was with him. When I was shopping I wished my mom was there with me. I love shopping with my mom. Then in one store there was a dog that looked similar to Brunetta and I got really sad. Plus, Leigh anns parents offered to take us out to dinner off campus and I got super excited because one I’m starting to get sick of campus food and two I wanted to go out to a restuarant and eat with a family. All day all I see is college students. In those few occassions when I see families or parents on campus I get happy and sad all at the same time.

    So anyway I know my parents miss me like crazy. They call me everyday around 8 if I haven’t called them yet. My dad who never texts, texts me everyday now to check up on me and share little random things. I try to keep up with talking to them but I has been so busy that I don’t think I gave them all the attention they wanted. So today when I was facing massive home sickness I called them. They were at my uncle pelligrinos house for a family labor day party. My entire family was there but me. Even my brother who randomly came home for the weekend. All my cousins are older than me and out of college so they were all there. My mom was too distracted by the party to really talk much but she said right when I called they had all been talking about me. Some of my family like my brother and my cousin, steve, were complaining about me joining a sorority. My brother took the phone from my mom and was like Gina you better quit if they start to haze you.. Idk why you would want to be in one lalala. Then my mom came back on and I told her I was starting to miss home. And she like announced it to everyone so then my cousin, Fil, got on the phone and was like awee Gina are you okay? And I’m like yes I’m okay. I love it down here. It’s just empty on campus this weekend cause people went home and I’m jealous they get to see their families. Then my Italian grandma came on the phone and started saying all this stuff that I couldn’t understand. My mom came back and translated that my grandma said “to keep being a good girl and make smart decisions”. Then I heard Anthony and Alex in the background and I asked my mom to put them on the phone cause I wanted to say hi. My mom shouted to them that I was on the phone but they were too busy in the pool and didn’t come out to talk to me. Then my mom said she should go but we’d talk later. Then I got off the phone and started crying. I wanted so badly to be there with my family. I wanted to play with anthony and Alex. I had this irrational fear that since they are so young they’d start to forget about me. I wanted to sit with my family and let them tease me about things like they always do since I’m the baby of the family. So I cried. But then I stopped cause I was in a community room on our floor and even though a lot if people aren’t around I didn’t want someone to walk by and hear me crying. In college you have no privacy. When is there time to cry and be by yourself? There’s not. That entire phone call I had to fight back tears. I just can’t wait to go home for the holidays and go back to the people who really understand me.

    Sorry if that was depressing. I really do like it here. I just miss home. I miss people who get me.

  8. Haiii friends. Lmaoo please ignore my last post. At least last night I decided to post that on tumbler and not on like facebook or Twitter. Whatibigidiot.

  9. I feel so dizzy right meow. Never been so bad. Where is everyone? Sitting alone is my bed missing my friends. I hope I don’t throd up

  10. it’s bid day.

    a lot of girls are estatic. im fairly excited. but i dont wanna get my hopes up cause if i end up in a sorority i dont like or dont like the people in then it would be silly to get all hyped up. i definitely get a bid today and im happy ive made it this far without being droppped cause i thought i would have earlier. im really happy with the two sororites im still in the running for. the girls ive been hanging out with, lisa, kelly, and leigh ann, will most likely end up in other sororities than me so its like im starting over again. i made these good friends and i know ill still see them but not as much if we go to other sororities. so now im gonna have to try to make new friends in my sorority or else ill be lost. im excited though cause i know there will be a lot of down-to-earth girls in either sorority i get a bid for.

    kind of sad how this is taking up all my time but exciting at the same time cause now i get to do a ton of new things with my “sisters”. ill let you all know how it goes.

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